


Udderly Unamoosing

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Birthday Party, Cows, Crack Relationships, M/M, Single Parents, Some Plot, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25131349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s really quite unfortunate cows have become a motif in Junmyeon’s simple life. His daughter loves them, the guy he’s making heart eyes at seems to love them, and Junmyeon loves them both more than his own dignity, which probably explains why he’s going to a birthday party dressed up as one against his better conscience.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	Udderly Unamoosing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xiao_dejunn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiao_dejunn/gifts).



> [Context!](https://twitter.com/bunnimyeon/status/1278026919389179904)
> 
> I have no words. Actually, I do. ~COW Suho drabble but make it single parent, really shitty, and follow that up with staring out the window for three hours instead of being productive~
> 
> This has been haunting me ever since I first saw it and the endless possibilities I could've chose, yet I went with this one TT. Hehe, at least it was fun to write. It’s not good because it took me half an hour to properly comprehend what I had just done, but here. Have it!

Yerim might be wearing her Cinderella dress, but currently, she’s no princess. More like a tantrum queen. 

She’s got her father on the ground, one tiny hand with pink painted nails twisting her old man’s poor ear into red agony as the back of her jelly dress-up heel takes offense by driving itself into Junmyeon’s back. The much-abused Mr. Kim finds his home lying facedown on the living room shag, unfortunately and absolutely dominated by the girl whom he calls ‘sweetheart’ on a good day. 

However, today is anything but a good day. Sure, it marks his pride and joy Kim Yerim’s anniversary of coming into the world, but it’s just Junmyeon’s luck that after hours of poring through carefully curated internet catalogues to find the perfect gimmick for a seven year-old’s birthday party, his reward is pain, and a half-assed cancellation notice from the stupid college kid he’d hired to play animal around noon. A dumb, punchable looking kid who goes by the name Oh Sehun, who at least had the decency to offer to pay back the grandiose amount of money Junmyeon had dropped alongside the gig. 

But he doesn’t want a refund. Truthfully, he just wants someone to blame. 

It’s been a long year of this charade, and Junmyeon knows it’s not his angel’s fault for fostering somewhat of a cow obsession. After all, Yerim’s favourite toy; has been since birth, a cow doll she calls Suho, something she can’t sleep without, and that school educational trip to a ranch only compounded a love of all things bovine into her. 

Really, it’s Junmyeon’s own efforts to soothe her temperament that’s probably been exacerbating the problem all along. Even today, the lawn is strewn with farmhouse-themed decorations, and although Yerim had insisted on Cinderella party garb to play the part of ‘birthday princess’, the conical paper hat atop her little head is still splotched with black and white like a dairy Holstein. 

There’s even cheese pizza and a smorgasbord of things sprawled out on painstakingly arranged tables in the backyard awaiting consumption; ironically beef, because Yerim’s tongue evidently calls the shots over her heart, coupled with two cleared shelves of the supermarket ice cream aisle to function as the party menu for twenty other neighbourhood souls whom Junmyeon only hopes shares his daughter’s enthusiasm and capability for lactose tolerance. 

Being a single dad has him breaking out in hives over the ordeal, and as the first man in a girl’s life, he’s obligated to try twice as hard and raise the bar. Because luckily for him, Yerim has a penchant for making playmates of classmates with vicious parents, and while Junmyeon considers himself decently pleasant, he can’t say if it’s a shared opinion after the variety of reactions he’s been given at PTA meetings and such.

He doesn’t even have an ally. All the other single parents in the near vicinity are, well, single for a good reason. 

Worst of all is that Joy, Yerim’s best friend, is coming today to the bash, soon too, by the look of the clock hanging from the wall of the living room. Wherever Joy goes means Yerim; the two souls are splendidly close, but more importantly, one Joy also means the imminent arrival of her only parent, one Chanyeol, and one Chanyeol means one trip in the back of a hearse for Junmyeon. 

He’s already lucky his amazingly witty daughter nor anyone except himself hasn’t caught onto those massive, unbidden heart eyes he’s been making at that hunk of a man for nearly half a year now, but Junmyeon wishes he could share the burden of having a crush even though he’s a grown fellow with his own human spawn, two definite qualities which should prevent him from acting like a lovestruck young adult novel protagonist whenever Park Chanyeol is around. 

Unfortunately, that is not the case. 

Through the information Yerim slips to him via dinner table conversation, and the somewhat creepy file of facts he’s buried deep in his brain, Junmyeon’s certain he’s Chanyeol’s senior, but that won’t deter him from calling that Adonis-esque beauty ‘Daddy’, if he ever gets the chance. 

His perverse guilt at such blatant ogling is placated but the fact Chanyeol is also very single; Yerim says so because Joy’s eomma is foremost, never around, and also was a man. 

Park Chanyeol is six-foot-one, lending his stature to Joy, who’s already a head taller than Yerim. His blood type is A, according to one of the more gossipy eommas who has once witnessed him donating that the school’s annual blood drive (really, nothing sexier than a caring hottie), and at this point, Junmyeon knows he could get a PHD denoting to Chanyeol with all the information he’s compiled over months of pining harder than a tree. 

His single shred of self-confidence lies in the fact that amongst all these missed opportunities to get with the hottest D.I.L.F. alive, Junmyeon’s pretty sure Chanyeol’s been staring at him too. They’ve never talked, but oh, his daughter sure has laid on the interaction, even going as far as calling him ‘Yeol-oppa’ because he seems to like cows too, even gifting her a wool hat shaped like a zebu. 

Yeol-oppa this, Yeol-oppa that, who apparently used to work as a rancher when he was in his teens, and therefore, can name all kinds of cattle, from Norwegian Red to Belgium Blue. It would be really freaking nice to emulate whatever spell Yerim’s cast to hold a grown man’s attention like that, but it would be ridiculous for Junmyeon to be jealous of his own daughter. 

After all, Chanyeol’s wide eyes are always on him wherever he goes to chaperone Yerim; a bit unnerving, but nobody’s complaining, and perhaps the way Chanyeol ate that chocolate covered banana while smiling at him across the second-grade bake sale counter two months ago was deliberate, and the wink he threw afterwards in his direction wasn’t just stray hair getting into his eye...maybe Junmyeon’s actually desirable?

Or maybe Junmyeon’s deluded. That’s probably the case. Actually, he’s positive that’s the more likely scenario. 

What he’s not positive of anymore is if the fogginess in his brain is the result of fatigue or simply lack of oxygen due to cow-Cinderella smothering him. Yerim still looks miffed, as scary as a child can be, and Junmyeon’s reduced to begging her for mercy to allow his poor body to peel itself up from the ground. 

A single pout from his daughter’s extended lip, followed up with a “Daddy, is a cow still coming to my birthday party?” tells Junmyeon all he needs to know, banishing his sorry self upstairs to do what must be done and face his own conviction. 

Junmyeon’s going to make his little girl happy, so be it if Chanyeol and his stupidly nice grin has to play witness. 

At least once he dons the cow onesie that was supposed to be Sehun’s to wear, and dashes around the lawn like something named ‘Bluebell’ or ‘Bessie’, his ensuing blush of dying dignity will be concealed under a long synthetic snout, and floppy rubber ears. 

🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐮🐄🐮🐄🐮🐄

The party is boisterous and bustling when Junmyeon makes his return, and he’s pretty sure his daughter isn’t dead after being left unsupervised for fifteen minutes. Really, if anything, it would be more like Yerim to kill a man during that time window, and on second glance, she is beating something with a baseball bat out there; Wendy’s eomma, one of the neighborhood moms, Joohyun, holds the birthday girl’s hand as she eviscerates a cow-shaped pinata , dropping candy onto the green lawn in it’s brutal death for a crowd of grabby kids to pick up. 

Junmyeon feels a wave of self-disgust wash over him looking outwards at a crowd of kids over-indulging on sweets and soiling the freshly cut grass with chocolate bar wrappers, but it’s only because from this angle, the sun casts down on the windowpane perfectly to produce a reflection of a self-aware picture he never asked for. 

A disgusting, disgusting picture. 

Firstly, the costume is far too long; he’s rolled the sleeves up thrice to make the limbs of the cow suit manageable. Secondly, Junmyeon must not be pulling off the look at all. The onesie dangles off his body not unlike an apron to a coat rack, and frankly, he looks like a Florida man on crack. To add insult to injury, as he opens his mouth to give a self-pep talk and get the waning confidence up, Junmyeon quickly finds he needs a lozenge, because his throat is dry as sand after practicing mooing sounds in the mirror for a good two minutes. 

So he gets a honey-flavoured cough drop out of the medicine panty and nearly trips over his own feet (demoted to cow hooves), when he catches Park Chanyeol in the house, seated squarely on the living room sofa and helping himself to a slice of the children’s leftover cake. 

The scenario is only horrific, and Junmyeon can’t even be mad that someone, no, the object of his massive crush, is eating on the carpet that’s an ordeal to clean, because he’s too occupied with bogglement. It’s illegal to dress that handsomely to go to a child’s birthday party. On top of that, Chanyeol doesn’t even seem to pick up the presence of a furry-esque creature intruding on him for better or for worse, as he craves away at a mound of red velvet sponge with too much cream cheese to be healthy. 

Junmyeon only waits for his heart to stop pounding and then exits via the front door to avoid taking further chances. 

He then proceeds to put on a show, making all sorts of appropriate bovine noises and suggestively squeezing the stuffed udders that dangle off the crotch area of his costume before one of the more church-frequenting commas shoots him a dirty look that communicates Junmyeon’s going to land himself in hell. 

But Yerim eats everything up with wonderment, none the wiser that her own rueful father is the one getting down on all fours to rip and chew backyard grass out of sheer love for her. 

She even attempts to climb atop his already ailing back before eomma Joohyun reminds her politely as possible that only horses are allowed to be ridden upon, followed up with the woman shooting Junmyeon a perfectly pitable smile when the kids aren’t looking. 

Youngsters having run off after half an hour of cow entertainment, Junmyeon is finally freed of his fabric prison and takes his sweet time changing out of the costume he fully intends to burn later. 

He lingers too long downstairs after that, hoping to catch Chanyeol, but all that remains is a smear of frosting on the sofa’s afghan throw. Junmyeon makes his way into the yard with resignation, only to be handed a children’s fruit punch. 

Joohyun’s hand is outstretched and she quickly follows up the offer by shooting him one of her pink smiles and calling him ‘Cowmyeon’. 

Junmyeon nearly walks right back into the house, but she accosts him first, with a note written on a napkin in a blocky scrawl, the print telling him all sorts of obscenities about how said writer would just ‘love to enjoy his beefsteak, and milk his little…’ and Junmyeon turns the color of raw prime rib. 

Joohyun’s probably better at knowing what he wants then he himself. Because beside the barn-shaped decorations on the other side of the lawn, Chanyeol is knelt down on all fours, Yerim straddling him with two icing-streaked fists in his hair to steer him around like a rodeo bull. Yet somehow in the midst of being man-handled by a power crazed little girl, he still has time to look said girl’s flushed father straight in the eye and slay him by winking like a greazy sleaze. 

At that very moment, Junmyeon automatically decides he’ll have no qualms about wearing that unspeakably atrocious costume, if only that’s what Chanyeol’s into. 

**Author's Note:**

> This might be horrendous butchery of an actual good idea but you can never really have too many cows, and my sole purpose in life is to spread the agenda: Cowmyeon>Bunnimyeon. 
> 
> :))


End file.
